What we’re about to tell you is the truth as we know it. It is a matter of national security and we would never have exposed it if we didn’t believe every citizen should be privy to President Obama’s secret agenda and what’s really happening inside our government. Let us give you some background on how we acquired the information you’re about to read.
It all started a few months ago when my wife and I were getting ready to attend an awards banquet sponsored by The Indiana Black Expo and The National Association of Black Journalist. We were going to give away a scholarship that night to a Indiana University student who was pursuing a degree in journalism. I was in the bathroom shaving , our dog, skittles, was in the living room and my wife was blowing-drying her hair in the bedroom. I heard skittles barking--something she hardly ever does unless there’s someone in the house she doesn’t know--so I turned my attention to the open door leading out into the living room. When I did, a slithery shadow in a dark suit darted past the doorway and as he moved--no, glided--he looked back at me and smiled with those big beautiful white teeth! I stood there, frozen. I could only catch a glimpse of his face because he moved with such stealth, but I’d know that face anywhere! It was President Obama! Yes, that’s right--President Obama! I’m not asking you to believe me. Hell, I didn’t want to believe it either and I have kept my mouth shut for fear of being called a kook! But there I was, standing in the middle of my bathroom floor like a frozen Popsicle, stuck to the tile in my corduroy house slippers. I stayed that way until I heard the sound of a bunch of keys clinking up against each other. The sound startled me back to reality.
“Katt!" I shouted, "Come in here! There someone in the house!” My wife Kathryn bolted into the bathroom with a terrified look on her face. We headed into the front room because we heard the front door slam. Kathryn, who by now was already dressed for the evening event, stepped outside where a group of neighbors were huddled around each other in a sea of commotion. I was still in my bathrobe with shaving cream all over my face.
“ He just disappeared”, one woman said.
“ Who just disappeared? Kathryn asked.
“Obama!, she shouted., “Obama just disappeared into thin air!”
Since the time of ‘the happening’ we have found out some interesting information about our President. You see, there’s a reason why President Obama never seems to get ruffled about anything and why everything his opponents throw at him seem to slide off him like he was made of Teflon. The reason is this: Barack Obama really is ‘The Magic Negro.’ Only, your Straight Gospel, No Chasers writers--being the good reporters we are-- have since found out the secret of his magic, and it’s not magic at all. It’s technology!
Barack uses a device called a WABAC Machine. Perhaps you’re too young to know what a WABAC (pronounced Wayback) machine is. Although once thought to be a nice little fictional plot device in the 1960’s cartoon, Peabody's Improbable History, ( a segment from the Rocky and Bullwinkle Show, featuring the genius dog, Mr. Peabody, and his nearsighted, adopted boy, Sherman) the machine was really constructed in the early 70’s by MIT and Harvard geeks simply as an object of amusement. Barack, because of his minority status and keen intellect, was allowed to play around with it when he was invited over to one of his Harvard buddy’s house when they were on good speaking terms. (This buddy will remain nameless for the time being.) The WABAC machine had never been tested. But the engineers needed to see if the machine had any merits so they invited Barack to step inside it without telling him he was going to be the guinea pig.
The machine worked all too perfectly. Not only could Barack travel back in time to any historical time period to alter events if he chose to, but he could also travel into the future too. But the best kept secret of all was this: The WABAC machine caused Barack’s body to go through a bizarre molecular change which gave him the ability to morph inside and outside physical matter. That is to say, Barack could become anyone he wished and he could appear anywhere he wanted to. Sometimes he inhabits other peoples body just for the fun of it. This has worked perfectly on anyone who has opposed him.
For example, when Sarah Palin said, “ I can see Russia from my house.” it was not Sarah Palin who blurted this nonsense out without thinking, but is was Barack Obama, inhabiting Sarah’s body and playing at her expense. He didn’t give Sarah a chance to formulate an intelligent answer to Katie’s question.
Likewise, when John McCain said, “That one”, it was not John McCain himself, but Barack Obama. He wanted to see how people would respond to something which could slightly be misconstrued as racist.
In addition, Obama basher, Ann Coulter, was set up three years ago by Barack when he beautifully orchestrated her showing her undies in an interview with Donny Deutsh on his show ‘The Big Idea’. This little camera trick has netted her almost 1,200,000 you tube views so far. At first we believe that Barack missed the mark on this one, but he didn’t. Ann remains popular but not for the right reasons. By time-traveling into the future he knew she would be one of his popular critics so he worked a little pre-presidential magic. He saw to it that millions would never take Ann too seriously after his election. Although we didn’t particularly like this tactic because we found it a bit sleazy, we must say that this little trick is a testament to his genius and the reliability of the WABAC machine.
Because we know the government is very sensitive about this information we can only share a few more things with you before they shut us down. Here’s a small list of things you need to know about our shape shifting, time-traveling President:
1. Obama took over the bodies of the Nobel Peace Prize committee and nominated himself.
2. Obama has an agreement with extraterrestrials not to open the government UFO files until they have finished their experiments on Bill O‘Reilly and Joe Scarborough.
3. Obama is the real brainchild behind Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, Yahoo, Google, CNN,and Msnbc. They virtually guarantee him a second term.
4. Obama got into Rush Limbaugh's mind to make him think he was swallowing tic tacs instead of OxyContin .5. Obama took over Bill Belichick’s body to make him go for that fourth down conversion against the Colts last Sunday.
6. Obama is the reason for global warming.
7. Obama is the reason why men forget flowers and chocolate on Valentine Day.
8. Obama sank the Titanic.
9. Obama caused all the dreaded droughts on the African continent since the beginning of time, and …
10. OBAMA STOLE MY CAR KEYS!!!!!!!!!!
I hate to blame the president for stealing my car keys because he seems to get blamed for everything these days. But I know it was him. I’m sure of it! Damn him and that WABAC machine! If it wasn’t for him I could have made it to the convention banquet on time and had a couple of drinks before I listened to all the stiffs. I’m so glad Kathryn had her keys in the bedroom sitting on top of the vanity.
Your 'Straight Gospel, No Chaser' writers
L.E. Coleman and Charles H. Wyatt
